Siri, fight Alexa.
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He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Banking tips
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.