I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.