A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
this is the most humiliating day of my life
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”