I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
oh shit
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.