I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
You Might Also Like
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
dam girl
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆