Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Worth the read.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
fair
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.