Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo