An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions