God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now