how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Smile Twitter, Smile.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
A family that plays together cheats.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.