I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
You Might Also Like
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?