You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
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My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Woke up with morning Yule Log
🤣🤣🤣
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.