Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.