Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
You Might Also Like
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy