The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
You Might Also Like
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes