If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
*launders Kohls cash*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.