Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive