me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
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Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
💁🏻♂️
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you