I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My dress code is business-casualty.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that