Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
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Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
In space, no one can hear…
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF