“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be