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Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”