Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Webb. James Webb.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas