GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m literally crying
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.