ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’