The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?