The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize