The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
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doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
#parenting
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.