cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.