Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911