As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
You Might Also Like
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
This sounds bad:
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials