Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
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It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait