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This week’s mood.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”