Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 馃檪
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just got my engagement photos
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is鈥s that bad?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
馃槀
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid