Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
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When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
#FunnyLife Insects
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better