I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
You Might Also Like
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
How funny!
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
everyone’s a critic
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women