Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Finally
If you’re testing me, we failed.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next