Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.