Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Introverted vegans go meetless
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Ah yes. The three genders
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
bury ourselves
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?