I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
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Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
How software testing works
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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These dogs look like they have good credit.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead