You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.