a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Erm I’m gonna say no
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.