I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.