The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
You Might Also Like
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there