Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
You Might Also Like
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
wow he looks just like him
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?