my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
These aliens are taking forever.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
this is the news I live for
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.