Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
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No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs