In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there