Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door