My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
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[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS